I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
