Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
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