So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
