I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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