The maid of honor just puked.
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
