youre lurking in front of me
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
