Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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