Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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