My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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