What a fucking waste of an outfit
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
