oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
