I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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