its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
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