Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
