it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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