Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
