around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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