Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
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