I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
