omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
We had sex on a dog bed..
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
