If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
