Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I just found puke in my bra..
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
