how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
