Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
bring money and cleavage
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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