Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Randomize
