He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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