I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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