he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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