it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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