Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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