there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I need water and some morals
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