He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
