Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Randomize
