my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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