my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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