I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
