look no pants
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
