Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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