I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
