And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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