can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Randomize
