She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
