i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
