im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
