Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
