I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
