I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Two words: blizzard sex
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
