There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
