I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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