I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
