when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
