i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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