My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
