life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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