I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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